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Voices of Experience
(A
Note from Linda) The ministry of Titus 2 for Life is a response to the voices
of many, many women across the country. What follows are excerpts from
conversations or letters I’ve received after one of my presentations. I am a
story-teller! I often share, anonymously, the stories of Christian friends and
acquaintances who have suffered the consequences of desperate choices but now
experience the merciful, forgiving love of Jesus Christ. You see, there is
hope! In Jesus, there is always hope!
Do you recognize yourself
or someone close to you in any of the
following excerpts?
Dear
Linda,
In college, I started to drink and experiment with drugs. I met a man who was
twelve years older than myself . . . eventually we were sleeping together . . .
I became pregnant. I wasn’t married, my parents didn’t like my boyfriend, my
mind was blurred by alcohol and drugs so, when I was about six weeks along, I
had an abortion.
There was relief at first. But then I began to feel great shame and guilt . . .
I thought I had gone too far and God couldn’t forgive me. So I drowned my pain
with more alcohol and drugs. While an in-patient at a treatment center, I not
only received help with my alcohol and drug problem, but I confessed to a priest
and God my sins of promiscuity, abortion, and drug use. I felt a great sense of
peace. I knew God had forgiven me . . . Today, I am a born-again Catholic. I
no longer feel I have to earn my way to heaven. By the grace of God, my life
has completely changed for the better.
I
am the mother of three beautiful children. I am faithful to my husband. This
could not have happened without God’s wonderful grace.
The pain of my abortion broke me. It brought me to my knees so that Jesus could
heal me. And, He did!
(A Christian wife and mom)
Dear Linda,
My mother
was one of the pioneers of the National Organization of Women (NOW). I grew up
in a very abusive home . . . and was raised to be a survivor, yet the one who
was teaching me was the one who posed the greatest threat to me . . . I became
involved in occult activity . . . I have no real mother figures and have never
had a sense of “home”.
At your
Titus 2 Retreat, you said that many young women long for a healthy relationship
with an older, wiser woman of faith who will mentor them. I am one of those
women! I long to be nurtured by an older woman of faith, yet I am frightened
and distrustful of women. This weekend, you helped change my attitude. I am
encouraged to know that even I can be feminine and fulfilled in doing so. I
believe that when you spoke God’s Word this weekend, the Holy Spirit went to
work in new areas of my life.
I have some
amazing news for you. Ever since the Titus 2 Retreat, my life has been
transformed. I’m still a terrible house-keeper and, no, I’m not wearing ruffles
and lace yet, but my heart and mind have been transformed. A number of people
have mentioned the difference in me. My husband said it’s like coming out from
“a dark room into the dazzling sunshine!” I challenged myself to wear a dress
or skirt more often . . . I’m praying more . . . I’ve committed myself to
“complain” to God more and not my husband . . . I’ve caught myself crying with
contentment when I watch our children at play . . . I’ve stopped fighting myself
and everyone else. It feels so good to put down my boxing gloves! For the
first time in a long while, I’ve experienced whole weeks free of depression.
I received
something at the Titus 2 Retreat that I never dreamed possible for myself. The
Spirit used your gentle, powerful words and example to touch my heart. I have a
lot to learn – and my husband and I still have issues before us such as birth
control, but we’re praying that God will show us His way.
(A pastor’s wife and mother of two)
Dear Linda,
My baby was
three months old when I chose to have an abortion. I knew I had sinned by being
promiscuous, but I didn’t see the abortion as a sin at the time. I only knew
the father would not be supportive.
I don’t have
many memories of the abortion clinic except that it was a slaughterhouse. I can
still hear the cries of another “patient” who couldn’t speak English. I also
remember that my two friends who drove me to the clinic each gave me a rose when
I returned outside. One of those friends nearly died from severe bleeding
following her own abortion.
Not long
after my abortion, I became deathly sick. While in surgery, a hole had to be
repaired in the intestinal wall near the uterus. At the time, it didn’t occur
to me that this might have been damage from the abortion. The crushing blow,
however, came when I was told I could never bear any more children.
It took a
long time to be convicted of my abortion sin but, when it finally happened, I
fell to drinking. Alcoholism and the guilt of my abortion, greatly affected my
relationships with other people, my jobs, and how I perceived myself. But, God
has been gracious to me. This year, I celebrated ten years as a recovering
alcoholic.
I imagine my
baby as a little girl. I found a picture in a magazine of a little girl who
might have looked like my daughter and I carry it in my wallet. I also carry
the receipt from the clinic . . . but --
I am a new
person! Jesus has shown great mercy on me. I am thankful for relatives and
friends who encircle me with their love! I had the joyful privilege of helping
my niece plan her wedding two years ago and, today, I excitedly anticipate the
birth of her first child.
The Psalmist writes: “When I
kept silent about my sins, my bones began to weaken because of my groaning all
day long. Day and night Your hand laid heavily on me. My strength shriveled in
the summer heat. I made my sins known to You, and I did not cover up my guilt.
I decided to confess them to You, O Lord. Then You forgave all my sins.”
(Psalm 32)
Jesus has reached down into my life to pull me from despair. He has healed my
wounded heart! (A
Christian woman)
Dear Linda,
Today, I
wrote a poem that expresses so many feelings.. The woman in the poem is me.
Writing it has helped me focus on Jesus as my Savior and hope –
As she snuggled her newborn so close
and so tight,
She thought of a child who had never
seen light.
Could it be six years had already
passed
Since she made “the choice” so hasty
and fast?
She had asked more than once to be forgiven
For the dear little soul she hoped lived in heaven.
Remembering the grief, yet joyful with praise,
She’d thought guilt would follow for the rest of her days.
But this new little life – this miracle of love –
Was a treasured gift from her God above.
She’d mourned the loss of a child unknown
But she’d come to know the One who atoned.
Jesus Christ had died on the Cross
For believing souls otherwise lost.
She wiped her tears and closed her
eyes,
And silently prayed for both little lives.
(A Christian wife
and mother)
Dear Linda,
When I was
17, I had an abortion because my father told me he would lose his job if anyone
found out his precious princess daughter was pregnant. He told me to “get rid
of it” and then he would buy me a car and send me to any college I wanted. Mom,
on the other hand, said the answer was to “get married, have that baby, and
suffer the consequences of having sex outside of marriage.” I remember Mom
crying for days and days, telling me how I had ruined her life. I was in an
emotional fog and couldn’t see straight. My parents were constantly fighting
about what to do about “it”. Dad often ridiculed us kids (“you’re worthless,”
“you won’t amount to anything,” “you’ll always be dependent on me”) so, in a
way, I believe I made the ultimate sacrifice so that my dad would finally like
me. But what I did was not enough to make him love me.
After the
abortion, I went into denial for the next 13 years. I made many, many bad
choices during those years. I started drinking and became promiscuous. I
married (not the baby’s father). But, he was an alcoholic like my father. I
had a few affairs and divorced my husband. I charged up credit cards and took
bankruptcy. Then I started overeating and gained over 100 pounds. My
self-esteem sunk deeper. During this time, I met and married my husband, but I
was hateful to him. We fostered two babies and eventually adopted them, but I
never felt like I could truly “love” them as they deserved because, after all, I
had murdered my first baby and didn’t deserve to be a loving mother of anyone
else.
Twenty eight
years have passed and my dad has never acknowledged the abortion. He wanted me
to kill his first grandchild… and I did but, today, he has “amnesia” about the
whole episode. I, however, could not forget and my choices in life reflected
the pain.
Today, at
45, I have experienced forgiveness and healing. I have participated in a Bible
study for abortion healing and I feel like my life is starting over. I think
that when you abort your baby you start to die very slowly, day by day for the
rest of your life until you come to terms with it and ask God to help you
forgive yourself.
Something
that was very helpful to me during our Bible study was when we released balloons
into a beautiful, starry sky one spring evening. I cannot explain the
significance of releasing my burden into the Heavens and to God. This was
nothing short of rebirth for me; it truly was the first day of the rest of my
life.
I have begun
a small music ministry in our local area with the goal of changing people’s
hearts before they make the worst mistake of their lives. I want others to know
how much Jesus loves them – and their pre-born children.
(A Christian wife and mother)
Dear Linda,
I aborted my
first child. The father said it was better than having an adopted child
somewhere in the world. The abortion doctor said it would be “no big deal.” I
was easily influenced.
But, after
the deed was done, I was guilt ridden. Because no one talked about abortion in
my church, I assumed it was the unforgivable sin. So, when I became pregnant
with my second child, I concluded: What would it matter if I aborted this child,
too?
After that,
the celebration of Life Sunday in my congregation was like twisting a knife in
my heart because I knew I had sinned against God. How could He accept me, the
murderer of not just one child, but two?
Not long
after my two abortions, I suffered a miscarriage. It brought back all the pain
and guilt. I was depressed. For months, I cried every day. I was sad and
lonely . . . I couldn’t talk to anyone at church because I was convinced that
if they knew about my past they would reject me . . . Then I was told that you
were coming to speak to a women’s retreat at our church. Because you were going
to speak on the relationships between men and women, and not specifically
abortion, I decided to come. I think God brought you to our congregation just
for me… to save my life. The story you shared about your friend and her detour
off the path of life was my story. More importantly, the hope that your friend
found in the Lord became my hope. Something changed after your visit here. I
went from crying every day in sadness and grief to being moved by songs like
Amazing Grace.
Now, I want
to shout to the world of Jesus’ love and forgiveness. I still don’t tell people
about my past, but there is a difference. Now I know that if I did choose to
tell someone and if they rejected me, well, that would be their problem. God
has not rejected me! I have forgiveness of even my sins through Christ!
)
(A Christian wife and mother)
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