Towards Healthy Femininity

A TESTIMONY BY JUDY JOHNSTON

"[Femininity is the] capacity to be, that state out of which comes the power to respond to God and others. The true feminine nourishes relationship...imparts life to others. Discernment and wisdom flow out of this responsive faculty when it is joined with God." (Living Waters Guidebook by Andy Comiskey)

What a beautiful description of femininity! That's what God made - what He intended. Femininity really is a beautiful gift. It nourishes and imparts life. It is lovely and it is also mysterious. As God saw in Genesis 1:21, it is very good!

I didn't always have such a positive view of femininity. For many years, I correlated being feminine with being seductive, and I equated being a woman with being sexual. That's what femininity was all about, or so I thought... but it is so much more.

IMPARTING LIFE THROUGH RELATIONSHIP

God gave women the wonderful gift of imparting life to another. I've given birth to three children, and it was an extraordinary experience each time. But whether or not a woman gives birth to a child, every woman can impart life to those around her. Edith Stein, a contemplative nun and martyr of the Holocaust, wrote, "Both spiritual companionship and spiritual motherliness are not limited to the physical spouse and mother relationships, but they extend to all people with whom woman comes into contact."

The true feminine nourishes relationship. It's a gift God has given to woman. In Genesis 2:22, we read, "The Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man." As distinct from Adam whom God formed from the dust of the ground (Genesis 2:7), Eve was formed from Adam's side. The initial creation of woman was itself a relational act - she was formed from that which was once connected to another.

This relational quality is shown even in the differences between how men and women deal with stress. When a man feels stress, his body releases testosterone, which enables him to better protect others in a dangerous situation. But a recent study has found that when a woman feels stress, her body releases oxytocin, a chemical related to bonding - the same chemical that induces labor and that relaxes a mother when she is breastfeeding.

In other words, when a woman is under stress, she is more likely to seek out the company of a girlfriend or a family member with whom she can talk. Is it any wonder that women have a natural desire to join and connect? Out of the true feminine comes our natural ability to nourish relationship and to respond to others.

broken femininity: our sinful responses emotion, vulnerability, and self-protection

As women are able to embrace who they are in their unique capacity to respond to God and others, it is natural for them to let the people around them be who they are. What a wonderful gift!

But after Adam and Eve sinned in the Garden, Eve's unique gift of bearing life, nurturing relationship, and responding to others became more difficult. If we haven't known safety in our relationships with men, we may attempt to make ourselves secure by bending into men or we may try to protect ourselves from being hurt by rejecting our own femininity. We grasp, we control, we cover vulnerability, and we protect ourselves.

I spent most of my life protecting myself. I denied deep wells of pain. I hated my emotions. I felt embarrassed when I cried. I shoved down feelings of anger, hurt, and grief. Years of stuffing my feelings led to a battle with depression which I've come to realize is far worse than experiencing my emotions. Now I know that the pain I was experiencing was trying to tell me something.

As I face the reality of the pain in my life, and as I experience my emotions, feelings have become less intimidating to me. As the pain is felt, I am comforted, and comfort brings healing to the pain. And then peace comes in, and I'm embraced by a calm I've never known before. It takes a lot of work to figure out what I'm feeling and why, but when I do, depression dissipates. We should not be quick to get rid of pain until we have benefited from it.

how femininity gets broken: sins against us the impact of pornography

My skewed views on femininity began in my family. Playboy magazine was in our home, and although it was stashed in my Dad's room, everyone knew it was there. We have a family video where my dad is sitting on the deck perusing a Playboy on a family vacation. One Christmas my brothers gave my grandparents Playboy magazines in their stockings. Everyone laughed. Years later, my family still laughs. For most of my life, these incidents didn't seem like a big deal to me. But, they were. And I don't think it's funny anymore.

Children who are exposed to pornography develop deep-rooted and harmful ways of viewing sexuality like I did. I believed a number of lies: Women are objects. Being seductive is what men want you to be. Men don't want a relationship, they just want an orgasm. Sex is something you do to feel good, it's not about the other person. Because pornography was such a part of our family life, whenever I speak to a group about the effects of pornography, I have to remind myself that it is a big deal and that it really is damaging.

the impact of sexual abuse

Sexual abuse in my family also contributed to my faulty beliefs about femininity. Just as porn was "normalized," so was the abuse. The tremendous amount of denial in my family meant that no one called what happened "sexual abuse." But, it was. I remember when my grandfather inappropriately kissed a female relative. When that relative told my mom, my mother laughed it off.

My eldest sister committed suicide three years ago. I believe that one of the roots of her deep pain was the sexual abuse that occurred in her life as a young girl. Years of asking family members very specific questions has helped me come to grips with the reality of the abuse and to uncover the truth. I learned that my grandfather wasn't the only one in the family who was abusive sexually.

Why would I want to uncover these terrible hidden things? Because my life was affected by them and I want to be free. Because my marriage is being affected by them, and I want to have a healthy marriage. Because my femininity was damaged, and I want to be the woman God created me to be.

toward healthy femininity vulnerability with wisdom

As my emotions heal, I am enabled to be the woman God created me to be. I am honest and vulnerable, but also wise about whom to trust with that vulnerability. God gives us gifts of discernment and wisdom. I can protect myself in healthy ways. Vulnerability used to imply weakness to me, but coupled with discernment and wisdom, vulnerability actually demonstrates great strength.

As I'm learning to be honest with others and myself about my true feelings, my inner self and outer self are becoming one. 1 Peter 3:3 states that "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." As more and more healing occurs in my life, my spirit is being transformed and my inner self is becoming calm and peaceful. Thanks be to God for what He is doing!

An example of this is how I am more comfortable with who I am and less consumed with how other people view me. Growing up, I had such an intensive desire to be liked and accepted that I didn't develop good boundaries - especially with men. I remember one of the women in my family expressed well the way I was trying to live: "As long as they [men] are happy, I am happy." It struck me that I tried to please people at the expense of myself.

help on the journey

It has taken years to get to this place I am in my feminine journey, and I have so much yet to learn. I will always be a work in progress, just as you are, but there are things that have occurred in my life to help me along this journey:

I know I won't always respond as I should in relationships. Sometimes I will believe lies instead of truth. Prayer may not produce immediate results. But, in Jesus, God is freeing me to be the woman He created me to be. This is an amazing gift! May God resurrect our feminine souls and lead us to the healing He desires for us.

Linda Bartlett wishes to publicly thank Judy Johnston for sharing her story and, in doing so, helping others on the journey of hope.

This article was reprinted with permission by the author. It first appeared in Regeneration News www.regenerationministries.org Regeneration Ministries helps bring men and women out of the bondage of homosexuality and lesbianism. This ministry recognizes the power and mercy of God's love: "Behold! We are new creatures in Christ Jesus; the old has passed away!" [2 Corinthians 5:17]