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Voices of Experience

From Despair to Hope in Jesus

(A Note from Linda: The ministry of Titus 2 - 4 Life is a response to the voices of many, many women across the country. It is typical for me, when speaking, to share anonymous stories of Christian women who have suffered the consequences of desperate and regretful choices, but now experience the amazing grace and merciful love of Jesus Christ. In sharing these stories, other women seem to feel "welcomed" and are moved to share stories of their own. What follows are excerpts from conversations or letters received after a presentation or retreat.)

Dear Linda,
In college, I started to drink and experiment with drugs. I met a man who was twelve years older than me...eventually we were sleeping together...I became pregnant. I wasn't married, my parents didn't like my boyfriend, my mind was blurred by alcohol and drugs so, when I was about six weeks along, I had an abortion. There was relief at first. But, then I began to feel great shame and guilt. I thought I had gone too far and God couldn't forgive me. So I drowned my pain with more alcohol and drugs. While a patient at a treatment center, I not only received help with my alcohol and drug problem, I confessed to a priest and God my sins of promiscuity, abortion, and drug use. I felt a great sense of peace. I knew God had forgiven me. Today, I am a born-again Catholic. I no longer feel I have to earn my way to heaven. By the grace of God, my life has completely changed for the better. I am the mother of three beautiful children. I am faithful to my husband. This could not have happened without God's wonderful grace. The pain of my abortion broke me. It brought me to my knees so that Jesus could heal me. And, He did!

Dear Linda,
My mother was one of the pioneers of the National Organization of Women (NOW). I grew up in a very abusive home and was raised to be a survivor, yet the one who was teaching me was the one who posed the greatest threat to me. I became involved in occult activity, I have no real mother figures and have never had a sense of "home." At your Titus 2 Retreat, you said that many young women long for a healthy relationship with an older, wiser woman of faith who will mentor them. I am one of those women! I long to be nurtured by an older woman of faith, yet I am frightened and distrustful of women. This weekend, you helped change my attitude. I am encouraged to know that even I can be feminine and fulfilled in doing so. I believe that when you spoke God's Word this weekend, the Holy Spirit went to work in new areas of my life. I have some amazing news for you! Ever since the Titus 2 Retreat, my life has been transformed. I'm still a terrible house-keeper and, no, I'm not wearing ruffles and lace yet, but my heart and mind have been transformed. A number of people have mentioned the difference in me. My husband said it's like coming out from a "dark room into the dazzling sunshine!" I challenged myself to wear a dress or skirt more often. I'm praying more. I've caught myself crying with contentment when I watch our children at play. I've stopped fighting myself and everyone else. It feels so good to put down my boxing gloves! For the first time in a long while, I've experienced whole weeks free of depression. I received something at the Titus 2 Retreat that I never dreamed possible for myself. The Spirit used your gentle, powerful words and example to touch my heart. I have a lot to learn - and my husband and I still have issues before us but, we're praying that God will show us His way.

Dear Linda,
My baby was three months old when I chose to have an abortion. I knew I had sinned by being promiscuous, but I didn't see the abortion as a sin at the time. I only knew the father would not be supportive. I don't have many memories of the abortion clinic except that it was a slaughterhouse. I can still hear the cries of another "patient" who couldn't speak English. I also remember that my two friends who drove me to the clinic each gave me a rose when I returned to the car. One of those friends nearly died from severe bleeding following her own abortion. Not long after my abortion, I became deathly sick. While in surgery, a hole had to be repaired in the intestinal wall near my uterus. At the time, it didn't occur to me that this might have been damage from the abortion. The crushing blow, however, came when I was told I could never bear any more children. It took a long time to be convicted of my abortion sin but, when it finally happened, I fell to drinking. Alcoholism and the guilt of my abortion greatly affected my relationships with other people, my jobs, and how I perceived myself. But, God has been gracious to me. This year, I celebrated ten years as a recovering alcoholic. I imagine my baby as a little girl. I found a picture in a magazine of a little girl who might have looked like my daughter and I carry it in my wallet. I also carry the recept from the clinic, but - I am a new person! Jesus has shown great mercy to me. I am thankful for relatives and friends who encircle me with their love. I had the joyful privilege of helping my niece plan her wedding and I excitedly anticipate the birth of her first child. The Psalmist wrote: "When I kept silent about my sins, my bones began to weaken because of my groaning all day long. Day and night Your hand laid heavily on me. My strength shriveled in the summer heat. I made my sins known to You, and I did not cover up my guilt. I decided to confess them to You, O Lord. Then You forgave all my sins" (Psalm 32). Jesus has reached down into my life to pull me from despair. He has healed my wounded heart.

Dear Linda,
Today, I wrote a poem that expresses so many feelings. The woman in the poem is me. Writing it has helped me focus on Jesus as my Savior and hope - As she snuggled her newborn so close and so tight, She thought of a child who had never seen light. Could it be six years had already passed Since she made "the choice” so hasty and fast? She had asked more than once to be forgiven For the dear little soul she hoped lived in heaven. Remembering the grief, yet joyfully with praise, She'd thought guilt would follow for the rest of her days. But this new little life - this miracle of love - Was a treasured gift from her God above. She'd mourned the loss of a child unknown, But she’d come to know the One who atoned. Jesus Chris had died on the Cross For believing souls otherwise lost. She wiped her tears and closed her eyes, And silently prayer for both little lives.

Dear Linda,
When I was 17, I had an abortion because my father told me he would lose his job if anyone found out his precious princess daughter was pregnant. He told me to "get rid of it" and then he would buy me a car and send me to any college I wanted. Mom, on the other hand, said the answer was to "get married, have the baby, and suffer the consequences of having sex outside of marriage." I remember Mom crying for days and days, telling me how I had ruined her life. I was in an emotional fog and couldn't see straight. My parents were constantly fighting about what to do about "it." Dad often ridiculed us kids ("you're worthless," "you won't amount to anything," "you’ll always be dependent on me") so, in a way, I believe I made the ultimate sacrifice so that my dad would finally like me. But what I did was not enough to make him love me. After the abortion, I went into denial for the next 13 years. I made many, many bad choices during those years. I started drinking and became promiscuous. I married (not the baby’s father), but he was an alcoholic like my father. I had a few affairs and divorced my husband. I charged up credit cards and took bankruptcy. Then I started overeating and gained over 100 pounds. My self-esteem sunk deeper. During this time, I met and married my husband, but I was hateful to him. We fostered two babies and eventually adopted them, but I never felt I could truly "love" them as they deserved because, after all, I had murdered my first baby and didn't deserve to be a loving mother of anyone else. Twenty eight years have passed and my dad has never acknowledged the abortion. He wanted me to kill his first grandchild, and I did but, today, he has "amnesia" about the whole episode. I, however, could not forget and my choices in life reflected the pain. Today, at 45, I have experienced forgiveness and healing. I have participated in a Bible study for abortion healing and I feel like my life is starting over. I think that when you abort your baby you start to die very slowly, day by day for the rest of your life until you come to terms with it and ask God to help you forgive yourself. Something that was very helpful to me during our Bible study was when we released balloons into a beautiful, starry sky one spring evening. I cannot explain the significance of releasing my burden into the Heavens and to God. This was nothing short of rebirth for me; it truly was the first day of the rest of my life. I have begun a small music ministry in our local area with the goal of changing people’s hearts before they make the worst mistake of their lives. I want others to know how much Jesus loves them - and their preborn children.

Dear Linda,
I aborted my first child. The father said it was better than having an adopted child somewhere in the world. The abortion doctor said it would be "no big deal." I was easily influenced. But, after the deed was done, I was guilt-ridden. Because no one talked about abortion in my church, I assumed it was the unforgiveable sin. So, when I became pregnant with my second child, I concluded: What would it matter if I aborted this child, too? After that, the celebration of Life Sunday in my congregation was like twisting a knife in my heart because I knew I had sinned against God. How could He accept me, the murderer of not just one child, but two? Not long after my two abortions, I suffered a miscarriage. It brought back all the pain and guilt. I was depressed. For months, I cried every day. I was sad and lonely. I couldn't talk to anyone at church because I was convinced that if they knew about my past they would reject me. Then I was told that you were coming to speak at a women's retreat in our church. Because you were going to speak about the relationships between men and women, and not specifically abortion, I decided to come. I think God brought you to our congregation just for me, to save my life. The story you shared about your friend and her detour off the path of life was my story. More importantly, the hope that you friend found in the Lord became my hope. Something changed after your visit here. I went from crying every day in sadness and grief to be moving by songs like Amazing Grace. Now, I want to shout to the world of Jesus' love and forgiveness. I still don't tell people about my past, but there is a difference. Now I know that if I did choose to tell someone and if they rejected me, well, that would be their problem. God has not rejected me! I have forgiveness of even my sins through Christ!